On things to do in the next 2 weeks (not in any particular order):

1) Watch Lord of the Rings
2) Watch Spirted Away
3) Write about trip
4) Meet up with friends
5) Give aunt the bag of goodies *courtesy from mom*
6) Prepare for new school term

Okie back from China. Glad to see that people i missed during my trip, missed me too. *Grins*
And no, my cat had not wreaked my room despite earlier premonition. Good kitty.
Infact, the cat has grown more affectionate since i came back. Probably missing me as well.

Seems like alot had happened since in the last 2 1/2 weeks. Must make time to catch up.
Must also make time to write about trip. With photos attached and all. Kept a travel diary of sorts.
Distribute some gifts. Belated xmas and all that.
Sort of nice to be home but must gear oneself up for work soon.
Sort of missing my folks too but they seemed to be doing okie.
SO fell sick on the trip. But i didn't.

Met some of my old JC classmates today. Realized that how much had change and yet so many things remained the same. Don't want to go through here what is different and what stay the same. But felt good to see old friends again. Half the time catching up on what so and so is doing at this moment. Who is married and who have kids already. And how they love to remind me how much i got them into trouble when we were younger, how i would fall asleep in class and of course, how i am allergic to PE. Somehow those incidents always managed to escape my memories. And i can't seem to remember what everyone else did that was funny and they reminded me that somehow i would be the spark that set everyone else off on a series of "notorious" episodes. At least everyone had a good time. And i also realize how often i speak without thinking. But they know me well and will laugh at my caustic one-liners. Words often tumble out when i am with them. More so than other people. I wonder why. Perhaps you will always be less careful with people you know better. Even though we have not met in a while, these are the people i spend some of my most formative years with so i guess the bond is there.

Realization no. 31:

Sometimes i talk before i think.

Geez. Why are the rest of my blogs in bold?

Now... this is sort of true... not exactly flattering but hey, i can live with being a tomato.
Heck, in fact i love tomatoes!

Strawberry: 10/100 Pear: 20/100 Banana: 30/100 Tomato: 40/100 Lemon: 20/100

Take the What Fruit Are You? test by webkin and aaronr!

I am going to leave my cat for 16 days.
Wonder how badly my room will be wrecked when i return.

Done the what kind of cat i am test thing. Not sure if that is altogether accurate but heck, that cat on the picture actually looks amazingly like my cat ruski aka rascal, 'cept skinnier. Hmmm eerie. :D

Take the What Cat Are You? test by webkin!

On plans for holiday:

16 days in China as follows -

Singapore - GuangZhou (plane) - Chengdu (plane) - Leshan (train via Ermeishan) - Lijiang (train via Jinjiang) - Dali (bus) - Kunming (night sleeper bus) - GuangZhou (plane).

Probably throw in hongkong for a day or two before i come back to spore.
Heard transport can be a real riot especially if you are not in a tour group. Guidebooks promoted the virtues of getting lost. Not that i mind getting lost. As long as i manage to make in back to Singapore on the 26th since I "die die" also must go back to work on the 27th. I rather enjoy planning for this holiday. Lonely planet is a wonderful guide book and the pictures made me eager to start. Whatmore i will get to visit my parents in GZ finally. I know even the best laid plans can go awry. But heck, my motto is to be prepared but enjoy the unexpected.

Anyway, these are tentative plans. I think i will probably deviate from the plans whenever it strucks me or as circumstances demand it. I wish i have a whole month to travel because there seem to be so much possibilities! And i really hate adhering to a time-table so rigidly but i know i am a little pressed for time. School policy means i have to be back in school 3 days before school starts (no exceptions) to prepare for next term. I would have left on the 6th instead of the 10th but then, some things cropped up. Ah well.. 16 days is better than nothing i guess. And i do get some free time from the 6th to the 10th to do some shopping for stuff i need. Have to keep reminding myself to pack light since we will be walking fairly often (up and down stairs predominantly).

I hope to visit other parts of China (it is so vast) perhaps next year. If i had time, i would have love to travel up to Dali and onwards to the tiger leaping gorge and Deqin on the tibetan border. Or even try to try to go from Vietnam to China onland (well... SO has been clamouring to go to Vietnam so this is killing two birds with one stone *chuckles*).

In any case, a tentative itinerary is done and i have found out about the trains and planes and buses. I want to try all the different transport available (bikes too!) from minibuses to sleeper train (wow train with beds) and sleeper buses which are so notorious (accidents and what not, i heard that drivers can be quite menacing when driving at night). From big cities to little villages, comfy hotels to places when it might be difficult getting a place to sleep. This should be fun and i would have a chance to fulfil my objective of achieving a varied experience.

Been busy planning a trip to China. I suspect that the planning would probably be more fun that the actual holiday.
Or perhaps i feel that guide books are building an almost unrealistic expectation of the country. Or perhaps i am too harsh.
Somehow the impression i have from other people about china always seem to be rather erm not that great (amenities-wise).
Quite contrary from what i got from the lonely planet (i.e. sheets, hotwater, satellite tv, phone, attached bathroom) in far flung (at least to me) places such as Lijiang.

What an array of subjective impressions!
In any case, if i keep lowering my expectations, i should be okie... (hmm wonder if that should be applied to life on the whole).
HmmMm.

My cat sleeps
with his head on my pillow.

Been only logging on once a week these days just to clear my emails and surfing the web.
If only my fat-diet has been successful as my net-diet *chuckles*

Overheard in an Autism conference:

Cats are autistic dogs.

I don't know about you. But this really cracks me up.
If you really think about it. Cats really do show some classic symptoms of autism.

For example,
aloof
solidary
do things on own agenda
doesn't like to maintain eye contact
affectionate in their own terms
special interest/fascination (for my cat it would be his pet esso tiger)
probably sensory issues (need to bite especially when aroused)

so on and so forth...

I know it is not too nice to make fun of a disorder. After all being "socially challenged" in our "neurotypical" (aka normal) society is not easy (and that is an understatement). But then... what would life be if we can't even laugh a little?

Realization no 30:

Sometimes it is like trying not to think of the pink elephant.

A bite.
A happy cat.

School holidays now. Been sick for a while... and time seem to pass by doubly quick.
Quick recap on what did i do for the past two weeks...

1) graduation day for the students moving to other external agencies. will miss my kids that are leaving.
2) screening for new students. meeting new parents can be a learning experience all by itself. ranging from bo chup to those in denial to over protective.
3) sibling camp. wonderful experience. everyone had fun but yet the kids definitely learnt a lesson somewhere. only wished that i wasn't so weak and sick... kids can really sap up your energy but my group were a bunch of decent sensible kids. Go tweeties go.
4) sick sick sick
5) cleaning toys, room, desk, materials, house-keeping matters... i do get a certain satisfaction of doing mundane things like this in preparation for a new year.
6) WeCAN conference on Autism. good speakers (esp dr tony attwood) and interesting topics though most of the time information was not new. More suited for parents but as professionals, i wish that there were more depth to the topics covered but that would have alienated the parents/mainstream teachers/others non-direct personels in the conference.

Things seemed to have changed in the last two weeks.
I wonder what.

My cat sits still.
Staring at the door.

I spent the day lazing around at home, reading and watching tamil movies on central. I admit i have this thing for watching foreign movies with subtitles. I enjoy listening to languages that i do not understand while trying to concentrate both on the moving subtitles and the movie.

The only pity when watching tamil movies is that they usually do not have any subtitles for the tamil songs during the movies. I would love to find out what they are singing about wearing skimpy outfits while gyrating to pounding music in the midst of rapidly changing backdrops.

My brother flew home to wish me happy deepavali.
What a pleasant surprise to end the day.

I can feel myself slowly vegetating.
My brain shutting down
as i go through the routine of life
and more
life.

I cease to wonder
least it causes ripples in my
stagnant pond of living
and propels me
nowhere.

Realization no 29:

People are attracted to complexity.

I want to be able to say what i want exactly when i want to say it.

A hypothetical situation:

If A loves B but is attached to C. While B is in love with D who unfortunately prefers to stay with E. And C and E are really ex-lovers who are still good friends. And D and A are really first cousins who are also good friends.

So should ABCDE join the SDU 7-minute speed dating for a chance of a functional love life?

I like to ruffle my cat's fur
after it has finished grooming itself.

Realization no. 28:

I missed Halloween.

I truly felt like i was Alice in Wonderland, right out of Lewis Carroll's book when i awaken on my bed in a sea of tears.
Metaphorically.

Literally, the storm the other night created a mini flood in my bed room. It was almost surreal to wake up and step right into a pond. Sort of.
I was woken up by my cat who was busy burrowing into my blankets due to the thunder storm outside when i felt that its fur was wet. Thinking that it might have been a lil "accident" (loosen bladder due to fright?), i immediately got up to check. When i put my foot on the floor, i thought it might have been the "accident" spot, until i walked a few more steps to the light switch and realized that something has gone horribly wrong. I was actually walking in at least 1cm deep of water. When i switched on the lights, i found that my room was covered in a layer of rainwater from the balcony door to my bedroom door and even to the bathroom through my walk-in closet.

Frankly i was more amazed than frantic in the beginning because this sort of thing is hardly something i ever envisaged. Upon recollection, i was rather foolishly negligent. To be honest, this is a "disaster" waiting to happen. After all, between the balcony and my bedroom, there is only a door separating the two floors which are almost level (perhaps with my bedroom floor about 5mm above the balcony). With the raging storm and wind blowing the rain right into my door and windows, it is almost inevitable that water will seep through to my room while i was asleep. It just never happened before. I guess the night of the 29th, everything was in favour of my room being flooded.

Damage was considerable since my bedroom floor is entirely covered by parquet and my walk-in closet (whose partition takes up considerable space) is made of wood. And with the unrelenting monsoon coming and tropical humidity, i have great cause for worry. By the time i got everything dried, by sweeping out the water at 6am in the morning after the rain stop (i had been waiting in bed the whole time waiting for the rain to relent), i could see that my floor is probably going to be a goner. The seams of each piece is stained and oozing water whenever i walked on it. And even after that had dried, i could feel the surface has gone rough ( i could feel the edges when i walked) and there is a slight expansion around the edges.

Something must be done. Someone called in to survey the damage and provide some solution. I also need to get the door fix to become leakage-proof. Perhaps get a better drainage opening at the end of the balcony. On top of all that, i have to consider the cost, the time needed for repairs and the possible extent of the repairs. Quite daunting when i think about it now. I am tempted to say i am damn unlucky this year (especially in light of the events these last 2 months) but i am holding my breath till year 2002 comes along before i give my final verdict. Perhaps the odds would be even out by some of the better memories for this year.

In anycase, i must say that this is another interest experience (geez, how many people can wake up to their room being flooded in Singapore?) and looks like i am in line for another lesson in life. After car insurance 101, i looked bound to sit for home furnishing 101 cum home maintenence refresher course or perhaps even the all-you-need-to-know-about-parquet introductory lesson.

Who knows. Might be fun. :)

Here am I
and there is my body
dancing on glass

In accident time where there are no accidents

You have no choice
the choice comes after

They will love me for that which destroys me
the sword in my dreams
the dust of my thoughts
the sickness that breeds in the folds of my mind

Every compliment takes a piece of my soul

...

It is myself I have never met, whose face is pasted on the underside of my mind


Please open the curtains


- 4.48 Psychosis, a play by Sarah Kane

Caught this play about a woman's depression back in London. The only reason why this play stuck in my mind was that the playwright killed herself shortly after writing this play. Suddenly words become more than they are. A potential cliche made horrific and real by the events framing the words. It is a pity that her works had not fully exocised the demons within her. I am one step closer in trying to find out what it is that pained her about living, within her words, but yet nowhere near enough to fully comprehen it.

Sometimes life gets kinda scary. Especially when i feel that i am not totally in tune with what is happening around me. Sort of like a broken down radio dial stuck on some obscure frequency where you can hear snippets of songs and tons of static. I need to find something to keep me grounded. I found that if i just focus on one thing at one moment in time. One person. One issue. One concern. One problem. Things sort of stablize into some coherent whole for me to nail down. Other times, things are not so much as overwhelming that it would disorientate me. But i do feel momentarily incapacitated before recovering almost instantaneously and moving through with the flow of things.

That is sort of scary personally.
I hate running. One reason is that when i run, i cannot think. I am too busy trying to breathe. My mind is a blank as i concentrate on the most essential rhythm that would sustain my consciousness. In In Out. In In Out. I do not like this state of "mindlessness". I happen to feel that what makes me feel alive is the fact that i am conscious of the fact that i am thinking. Aware of my state of consiousness.

I don't particularly enjoy analyzing.
I just like running my fingers through the thoughts that filter through my head without having to act on them.

My cat runs and leaps into the air,
very much like a giant rabbit.

Realization no. 27:

Loneliness won't kill you. But it can darn well cripple you.

A hypothetical situation:

If you have just won a million dollars from a game show/lottery/toto,
what would you do.........


with all the new friends you have suddenly acquired?

:)

Watched Battle Royale on a monday night.

Firstly, i almost never watched a 9pm movie on a monday night.
Secondly, it wasn't as violent as i had anticipated.

The movie was interesting, not so much the violence and gore, in fact some parts were actually quite funny. On the surface, it is really your run-of-the-mill stereotypical melodrama jap flick, with tons of fake blood, frozen shots of dead corpses and rather standard jap diabolical expressions just before someone kills. And kitano is kitano. What can i say? He was a calm among the riot except he is really the crazy guy amidst all. A little unnerving but nothing more than what you would expect from kitano. Seems like he did this movie as a personal favour for the director. Wonder how much of that is true.

Actually, what is really interesting to me about this almost standard just-shock-em' slasher flick wasn't the fact that it was depicting violence in all manner possible (in fact i thought audition was much more gory and needless in the depiction of violence with all the long drawn out tortures), or that it pitted high school students against each other in the manner of "Lord of the fly". For me, it was much more interesting to think about what kind of mentality would possess the japanese to make such movies in the first place? A social commentary on the society in japan these days? Well, i don't believe incidents of juvenile violence is unique to the japanese culture. I wonder if it is really how the older generation of japanese perceive the direction which their society is heading.

Consider the japanese movies such as the postman, kitano's yakuza flicks, even some of the romance stories like the love letter, afterlife which has a underlying morbid, pessimistic feel to it. The normal guy on the street, the anti hero, the good guy almost inevitably die at the end of the show, sometimes almost incidentally. Life goes on. The movies, at times, were hardly meant to make one feel sorry for the characters or to glorify these characters. Leaving one a little disturb at the end without knowing really why. And consider the nation's adult male population preoccupation for pornography which depicts nubile teenagers in school uniform. I wonder if this trend of movies where the innocence being corrupted is in part a social reflection of the mentality of the society post-WWII. Someone suggested that perhaps they just wanted to juxtapose innocence and evil but yet i felt in such movies, it is usually a process of innocence morphing into something diabolical, something not subjected to choice usually, rather than putting innocence and evil side by side. It is not so much as a reflection or retrospection of things past in the japanese history (i.e. "evil" being unleased in the wake of the H-bombs during wwII). I think the older generation have moved on and it is really INtrospection of the current mentality of society which the movies are depicting. A sense of innocence still in the process of being corrupted even after 50 years. A sense of watchfulness of where things will lead to next.

I wonder if i am just thinking too much. After all, i don't really watch movies on a monday night.

My cat looks at me with sleepy eyes.
It should be my bedtime soon too.

Hey anyone wants two tickets to George Lucus student films at substation on 17th or 18th of October?
If you are interested and actually knows my phone number, you can still make it for the 17th screening by calling me.
I could only check my emails tomorrow night (after the 17th screening) if you can only contact me via the net.
Anyway i heard it is pretty interesting. So let me know if you or anyone you know is interested.
For those few that read this blog anyway.
*chuckles*

Name Analysis: (One of those links that i couldn't help but clink on when surfing others blog)

You don't fair well under inharmonious conditions. You are very peace loving. You can get very upset when you are frustrated. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. (quite so) You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. (Yes yes i do love my cuddles)

You are a quick study, and can be self-taught. Your curiosity can get the best of you, but you must learn to concentrate. (eh, what did you say?)You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. (what other sakes are there?) You have a need to be assured of affection. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind.

You are fair-minded sometimes to the point of being opinionated. (is that good or bad?) You have a strong need to be loved and appreciated. (i am beginning to sound needy and insecure, which is not necessary incorrect) You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You need to learn to be expressive. (i think i am fairly okie in this aspect) You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. (who can?)

Wah. So true.
Now i wonder how many get the same permutation of canned phrases.

On case conferences:

It is the end-of-term case conference, aka Meet The Parents weeks again.

It is this time of the year when our attire have to be more presentable. So no more wrinkled pants and t-shirt, and give me some of those stiff collar shirt and a coat. I got to wear a name-tag and sit inside the meeting room for half an hour each time reporting on the progress and projected goals for the students i see for therapy. This is the other aspect of my work which is very important. This is because i don't have much chances to meet up with the parents for some of my students as they only turn up for these case conferences twice a year. It is easier to share with parents who have been accompanying their child to school as they would usually sit in for the therapy sessions and knows what is it i am doing with their child. These weekly interactions and informal sharing during therapy sessions would also make the formal case conference more a formality than a necessity.

It is quite different for parents who are working and have not had a chance to sit in during one of my therapy sessions. I have to explain everything in a simpler form and often i have to bring along my "equipments" (e.g. My board makers, my "First-then" strip, my choice menu) to illustrate what is it i am doing during therapy. And often part of my responsibility during the case conference would be to answer any queries or difficulties in the child's behaviour that the parents need help in. This really requires one to think quickly on their feet. It sounds daunting at first, but gradually i realized, because i see these children weekly, i usually have quite a good grasp of their behaviour repetoire and the range of difficult behaviour that they might exhibit (e.g. throwing, banging their head etc). Hence, part of my therapy would have been to help modulate and regulate such behaviours already. So, what i need to do is really to make the strategies that i have been using in the class room more feasible for the parents to do at home (bearing in mind that they are busy or that someone else might be the caregiver).

More often than not, the strategies are not difficult to translate from the school environment to the home environment. But i need to empharize the main thing which is CONSISTENCY. No matter what consequence we give to a child for his behaviour, it must be consistent in order for the child to learn and associate. Seem like a simple behaviour modification strategy but it is very difficult to achieve in real life. One possible reason is that parents could be busy and do not have time to give consistent consequence or that parents differ in views of consequence to give or perhaps the parents forgot to give the agreed consequence. Still, most parents do try whenever they can help it. And usually i do see significant improvements after sharing with parents who are motivated to do something at home. For those who are either too busy or could not do something at home for whatever reasons, i think the aim of the case conference would have been achieved, if they would at least have taken a greater interest in the child's progress.

I resolved that this week will be better than the last.
And what do you know?
It is self-fulfilling prophecy at work!
Hurrah!

Man! I am on a roll. Though nothing concrete that has happened warrant a celebration but my happy feelings are going rocket sky high!
And i love it!

I woke up bright and sunny today feeling good so i decided to mass-sms all my friends wishing them a happy day and week ahead. I wonder if i drove anyone up to wall sending them sms at 8am in the morning.

My cat is jumping all over the place.
What made it so excitable?

They changed the format of the sunday comics again.
Why on earth did they have strips like "preteena" which is not funny and makes absolutely no sense?
At least they kept sherman's lagoon and get fuzzy.
The new comics they added sucks.
Preteena: uninteresting layout and drawings, with boring jokes
Mr potatoe head: visually distracting (can hardly tell one thing from the other), with stale jokes.

What ever happened to good comics?

I don't feel like doing any work today.
Been feeling kinda lethagic lately.
Perhaps because the love of my life is not here?
Some people ought to find that funny.

:D

According to Emode:

I am a Collie who is Walking on Sunshine, in my Comfort Clogs.

Hmmm... i can live with that.

On learning:

I am glad the whole thing is sort of over.
Considering that i actually at the receiving end of a very muddy stick, i am quite okie.
Or perhaps i am in denial, and the horrors have not sunk in yet.

Whatever it is, this accident was not all bad.
Hey, i learnt all that i ever wanted to find out about...
1) making insurance claims (my own and third-party)
2) what the heck NCD entails
3) how much my dad's insurance policy premium is
4) how much NCD he is ALREADY paying
5) what difference it would make between going to the insurance appointed workshop and my own
6) how much settlement people usually get when it is your word against my word in the claims procedure
7) what is an non-injury accident report
8) how much a new bumper cost
9) how much extra cost i have to bear (surveyor and what nots)
10) the whole fiasco of trying to get a private settlement
11) how nasty and irresponsible people can be
12) how trusting i can be
13) how to make phone calls to insurance company, car workshops and ask "intelligent" questions

The idiot get to go away scot free since his dad stood up for him and it is all under his company insurance.
So not one cent from him. He could even come around and start a claim on me. Ah well.

I should be feeling upset. But i did learn plenty of stuff which i had not learnt before.
Unlike him, i had to call many people and places for advice and tried to make heads and tails of what had happened.
And now i know what i should have done before when an accident happened.

We live and we learn. I certainly learnt alot. No doubt, a whole big chunk will have to come out of my pocket. But i am happy that i managed to come out of this mess somehow. Money can always be earned back. Though i am sure their lack of responsibility and integrity of that father and son will not make them lose their sleep, but what goes around comes around eventually right?

Life still goes on.

You are missed.

Realization no. 26:

Small things add up to great things.

Spend the whole night thinking if the accident was in any way my fault as well. I think i need someone more objective to advice me. But still, i fell asleep with the thought that hey! things aint that bad.

At least my bumper didnt fall out.
:)

One more week to case conference.
More parents to see.
More reports to write.
I am going to be busy.
I am glad that it is during this time that you went away.
Time should pass by quite fast, i think.

Babes, thinking TOO far ahead is a habit i cant exactly control. :)

I am so tired these days.
Can't think of writing much.
The bloody accident isn't helping.
And SO has just gone to Germany.

Somedays i just wish i never got out of bed.

Damn it.
Why hasn't the �"*&$(* idiot that bang into my front bumper called yet??

I wonder if i am unlucky or what.
HOW CARELESS can you be that you can reverse park without checking your rear and blindspot before you turn??
Especially when the car is just next to you?!

As if i don't have enough to worry these days.
I am so tense that i can chew steel wires for lunch.

Happy birthday to a dear friend.
Happiness to you always, though we may not always know in what form they may come. :)

Realization no. 25:

After the next three weeks, I want to sit by a cafe and just sit and stare at the world around me.

I really shouldn't make fun of my cat. He seems pretty vulnerable right now. A contradiction of wanting to be near me (i.e. curling up on my lap) and hiding in some obscure corner (i.e. burrowing in my closet). He looks kinda sad and weak. I wonder if it is traumatized. He hasn't eaten since last night and can't eat till tomorrow morning. And he is so quiet now. I hope he will be more energetic tomorrow. I miss him when he is not zooming all over the place. Hell, i even miss him pouncing and biting me!

My cat just had the operation.
Now it is walking funny, poor chap.

And this one:

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead.
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

- Not Waving but Drowning, Stevie Smith

I like this one:

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

- Leisure, William H. Davies

I like a good poem
one with lots of fighting
in it. Blood, and the
clanging of armour. Poems

against Scotland are good,
and poems that defeat
the French with crossbows.
I don't like poems that

aren't about anything.
Sonnets are wet and
a waste of time.
Also poems that don't

know how to rhyme.
If I was a poem
I'd play football and
get picked for England.

- A good poem, Roger McGough

Probably what is good or bad poem is subjective since different people like different sort of poetry. Someone once said that poetry is the shortest way of saying things. It is also nicer looking on a page than prose. What poetry should be is something that allows for room to think and dream. Perhaps you learnt a poem by heart to show how much you like it. But then, you have to like it enough at first glance to be able to learn it by heart. So what is a poem that you will learn by heart?

On unpacking:

I have finally unpack the last box of my belongings that i shipped back from London one year ago. Exactly one year ago. Perhaps it was an unconscious effort to maintain some links to a past that no longer exist. I have not really thought about it. The box just sit outside in my garage untouched, unnoticed for the past year.

I unpacked programs from all the plays/musicals/shows that i had watched, textbooks, files, notes, articles i needed for my thesis, thesis interviews, ornaments, books i had bought from flea markets and bookshops (modern fiction, romance, poetry, penguin classics that cost only �1, russian novels, autobiographies), travel guidebooks (sweden, germany, belgium, spain, ireland, greece), tupperwarez, clothes pegs, wash bag, cloths i had used to cover my stereo and tv, an old tape recorder, bottles, and one year old tabloid papers i used to buffer my books with. All covered in a fine layer of dust.

These things had reminded me of the times i spent in London. Some of these aren't even mine, but leftovers from my boyfriend when he left a year before me. I remembered the plays and musicals that i have watched, and some that i had already forgotten. Remembered last summer when i was writing my thesis, pouring over my notes, articles and interviews, trying to finish up and meeting the deadline. Remember my schedule i had written with the crayons i got free from pizza hut on when i should finished my revisions and thesis. I recalled the various tupperwarez and clothes pegs left behind from my boyfriend which i had not touched since i last saw them at his place in Aylesbury. Remembered the tabloids i would buy weekly to obtained the tv schedule which came with it for free. The books i bought from fleamarkets and waterstones to read during winter nights when i felt lonely so that i don't have to always watch the tv. All the travel guidebooks i browsed through thinking then that i would make those trips before i graduate, which of course i didn't. A washbag still in its original covering because i bought one too many. An old tape recorder of my boyfriend who used it once to tape our discussion about his final year degree show in the middle of the night as he felt that what we were discussing were useful for him during his exams and that his memory was too short to remember everything verbatim.

Now all are unpacked and sorted into respective places in my room. When will i ever have the chance of looking at them and thinking back of my days before? Will i gaze upon my book of poetry as i walk past the shelf and remember? Will i ever take down those collection of programs and recollect? Now they are all sitting in my room together with my "present time" things, slowly being assimilated with things that did not belong in or belong to London. They too will become "present". I am glad for a chance to sit down with all those belongings and give them the attention that i should have long ago. It was not a conscious effort to do so as it was a necessity to clear away the "eye sore" before my parents came home. But nonetheless i am happy to spend some time with my past before the objects and memories go down to a place when they will no longer be so readily available.

When they were in their boxes, i know i can always open it up and have the memories pop right infront of me. But now, all the boxes are gone, I guess like all things, we can only contain our past for so long before every thing becomes the present and the past gets left further and further behind. No more unpacking to do. Everything is in its place. I guess we all have to move on.
Some day.

Realization no. 24:

It has been one year already.

My cat on a hot tiled roof.
I don't think the birds are too happy.

On A.I.:

Watched that A.I. a while ago, but didn't have a chance to sit down and digest it yet. I guess the only thing i really want to say about it was that the ending was too "sweet". Just not "Kubrickesque" enough. I would have preferred it to stop where David was trapped for eternity under the sea, facing the Blue fairy. In a way, he would have found what he has been looking for without realizing his dream. That is the harsh but romantised reality. 2000 years on and a supreme alien race would stop to grant our wishes? Somehow i felt that the last 10 minutes of the film was almost added in as an after-thought. Trying to work it in so that David got what he wanted, so that the audience can go home feeling better. The poignancy was still there, but it is different, more of a contented sigh than a jarring shake. Too spielberg i feel. He probably couldn't carry on the dark edge that is Kubrick right to the end.

Reality is, people don't always get what they want. Neither do little human-like robots. The journey i felt was more important than the ending. He did find what he was looking for under the sea in Manhattan. That is the reality of all Blue fairies but hasn't his search of being a real boy, with all the human emotions attached, and love he felt been already fulfilled by him setting off on his journey already? That question could be pondered upon for eternity as he rest under the sea without an alien blue fairy to put a full stop, an end point, an answer to it.

ROM is such a momentous occasion. I wonder if both of you were nervous at all. Was it like bungee jumping? A mixture of fear and exhilaration? What an adventure both of you are embarking upon!

I wish for you both to be happy always and to always remember to have fun in your marriage.
And mommy? Don't ever forget to put the toilet seat up. *chuckles*

*HUGZ*
Be good to each other you two and take care.

On old songs:

It is the 80s weekend on Class 95fm. My brother should be happy. He always professed to be an 80s kid.
I would be one too, except that while he was listening to english songs back in the mid-late 80s, i was listening to 93.3fm.
When he was listening to chinese songs in the 90s, i was listening to the perfect10.

Ultimately, when it comes down to putting a tag on what music period i belong to, i would say i am a 70-80s chinese oldies kid.
For some reasons, i simply can't forget those old chinese songs by teresa teng, zhen ni, yu tian and the younger ones like fei yu qing, cai qin, cai xin juan, out of my mind.

I can never remember exactly when did i used to hear these songs. I don't remember having a radio around when i was young. Did we have karaoka back then? I know my parents love these songs too. The only vivid memory and link that i could possibly have for such songs dates back to the late 70s and early 80s when i was around 4-6yrs old. My dad used to be in the interior furnishing business back in Msia, and he used to furnish resturants and carabet clubs that were so popular in those days. I remember being in this place called the Golden Palace. By day and evening, it was a grand chinese restuarant. In fact it was one of the biggest back then. By night, it was a music lounge and dance hall. The owner used to engage singers and dancers there. I distinctly remembered seeing Fei yu qing there performing once.

As kids, my brothers and i were there fairly often, usually for dinners. My dad had a VIP sort of status then as the owner owed him money for the furnishing and as my dad put it, "we are just eating back our costs". After dinner, my parents would sit around drinking with friends and my brothers and I would run around looking at the live seafood swimming in the tanks and gliding on the dance floor. I can't remember exactly how the singers looked like but my impression of the place was that it was glittery, with red flashing disco lights and red big lounge sofas. Perhaps that is why these old songs are so imbedded within me, due to all those long nights (when i suppose i should be sleeping) of gliding in a glittery music lounge.

These days, i keep one or two CDs in my cars playing these old songs when i am driving. Most assumed that since it is my dad's car, those CDs are his. It sort of drives my passengers crazy but then i have known a few who really liked them too. It certainly makes them wonder why on earth am i listening to these songs and is able to even sing along. Like a memory of a smell, even as you smell it now, makes you nostagic and comfortable, these songs have such effect on me. It sort of brings me back to a time when everything was different and while i cannot remember everything that had happened back then, it was nonetheless, a secure and comfortable feeling, not unlike being in a mother's womb or embrace.

I used to think my brother looks like certain so-and-so actor and no one else but me will see the resemblence.
My friends attributed it to brother-worshipping.
Nonsense.

I just realized that my cousin looks exactly like takuya kimura.
Geez they even share the same year of birth, and same month!
Now, that's freaky.
But i have a feeling i will be the only one who can see the resemblence again.
I can't help seeing things that other people don't.
Perhaps it is a gift.
Or perhaps some would say i am just myopic.

What should one do when one has ran out of things to say?

It is at times awkward and frustrating.
Sometimes, it is comfortable and calm.
Those long pauses between sentences.
Sometimes it is an excuse to end the conversation.
Sometimes it served as an interlude for you to recollect your thoughts.
To start on another topic anew.

My cat sleeps in the day
so as to harass me in the night.

Found out that i am the Emcee (again) for Children's day which is going to be held at Pasir Ris.
Except this time, i have to speak in Chinese.
All because the committee chairman found out that i listen to chinese songs on the radio.
Whoever said listening chinese songs would lead to the logical conclusion that i will be able to emcee the event in competent chinese?
Ah well...

Realization no. 23:

My cat seemed to have disappeared.

What i liked from the BAF:

1) The periwig maker
2) Robots
3) Fast Spin Fling

On British Animation Festival:

Singaporean animators certainly have a long way to go. The disparity between the student works from the two countries is quite evident. However, it is encouraging to see students here embarking on such an art form with such gusto. One can only hope more will attempt different forms of animations in the future once they are more comfortable in this genre. No doubt animations are moving into more computer oriented premises. And it would also be much easier and less time consuming for students here to stick to the computer animations. But i felt that other methods should also be explored. The ideas and the method of expression is generally quite raw over here (with the exception of perhaps computer renderings) but this is afterall relatively new in Singapore. So i will be looking forward to better animations in the future because the potential is certainly there.

I hate watching movies alone.
A movie doesn't seem complete without some discussion with another person at the end of it some how.

Psy-Jagon 1: Prompt

Prompt, a form of help given to indicate to another what he/she has to do.

There are several types of prompts:

1. Gestural (e.g. pointing)
2. Verbal (e.g. "over there")
3. Physical (which includes partial or full - e.g. holding the hand to write [full], nudging [partial])

We can also describe a prompt as minimal (gestures such as eyeing or opening the hand to indicate give) or maximal (full physical prompts). The rest could constitute moderate prompts depending on context. Prompts can also be use in combination (e.g. pointing and saying "keep").

On report writing:

I guess that is the most tedious part of my job. But it is also the most important part. Each child that i had done an assessment on will forever have this report kept in his file. It would determine if an external agency would accept him. It would help future teachers on knowing the child better in terms of his functioning level. It would determine the help he can potentially receive.

Of course there is a time span where an assessment report would be valid. For a standard IQ test, perhaps up to 2 years. The same IQ test could not be administered twice within a year because of practise effects. Hence an IQ assessment report would still be useful within two years after it was finished. For other assessment like adaptive behaviour and development assessment would be much more dynamic and much more changes could be expected due to perhaps developmental progress or environmental changes. The lifespan of such reports may not be long, but are still extremely useful in determining the functioning level of the child at that particular period of time. It would provide useful information that could be use for intervention.

One assessment report generally include 1-2 tests. A test for functioning level and one for adaptive behaviour. Sometimes 2-3 IQ tests may be attempted as the previous test may have failed in solicitating responses (e.g. test requirement is higher than child's functioning level or child tantruming), hence unscorable. The report will also include detailed description of the child's behaviour during testing, an observation of child in class or group setting, along with information provided by the teacher and an interview conducted with the caregiver on child's adaptive behaviour. Sometimes a child may have an assessment report without an IQ score but the other parts of the report would have given the reader an idea of how the child is functioning.

Some reports are easier to write than others. Some external agencies only require the interview with the caregiver for referral. I could usual finish one within two hours. But those which include an IQ assessment is much more detailed and harder to write. The detailed observation and reporting on individual test items are fairly straightforward, but it is difficult when it comes to the conclusion as it requires more than a summary of the report, it also require clinical judgement and evaluation. The conclusion would also include the recommendations. For example, which external agencies should he be referred to. And if he is not being referred out, what action would benefit the child from the information that has been obtained (e.g. specific therapy). Hence i spend a great deal of time writing the conclusion even though it only constitute 1/5 generally of the assessment report.

One assessment report can take me a day to write if i just concentrate on it solely. However it is difficult to do so as it is rather draining. So i much rather write a section here and there (usually starting with those that are straightforward reporting) before sitting down and concentrate on the conclusion.

My cat is fat.
And that is that.

Can someone tell me where do i find time?

I am part of the trival world who can only look on with horror showing on our faces.
And then carrying on with our lives.
Think of those who can't.

Realization no. 22:

Template wouldn't save.

Things seem to escalate beyond control. I am not sure what will be happening next but just hoping that things will somehow turn out alright. But who knows, in three days time, everything will just blow up in our faces. The incident is uncomprehensible, so is the aftermath. Whatever it is, all of us have cause to be concern and perhaps, worry.

Something of such magnitude is beyond words to describe and images however horrifying, does not in any way magnified the true reality of what has happened. Just like war photographs that has depicted time and time again, the horrors of death and violence. The truth is, reality would only be much much worse. Worse than anyone, but for the victims and their family, to imagine it to be.

Such death and devastation is beyond my comprehension. Even trying to talk or write about it now belittle the true significance and horror of it all. The only reason that i can still remain articulate and rational shows how little i understand and little it involves me. Sympathy is all that i am allowed. Let the people who grieve for their loved one lost to grieve in peace. Even though the burden is immense, their sadness is too sacred for any of us to hold.

It is like the whole world has gone crazy while i was sleeping last night.

I don't want to speculate. It is surreal watching building collapsed and the degree of devastation.
People jumping out of buildings. Smoke. Crashes. Ash.

What the hell is wrong?

My cat likes to lick my hands and feet.
It feels like a tiny exfoliating brush.

My concept:

Vesatility in uniformity.

I want uniformed sizes of glass cases for each shoe.
Both existing as an individual design but also the possibility of a collective whole.
In each case, a symbolic display. A shoe in different functional settings:

A plate and a shoe in a glass case.

Simple. Surreal? Limitless possibilities for a shoe. For a framework of display.

As a collective.
Uniformed individual cases of a same design put side by side:
A pole with shoe hanging heel faced out. 3 cases side by side.
Existing both as individual and as collective.

Why don't i put all three shoes into one long glass cases?

I do not want to enforce a relationship on all three shoes by putting a single boundary on all three.
They will be forever viewed as a collective. Its individualism lost.
Just like needing the audience to envisage the association of a plate and a shoe.
The relationship of three identical cases can only be inferred by its proximity.
And not enforced by a single case boundary.

I would have parts exisiting as a singular individual.
I would have parts making a whole.
But i would not have a whole without parts.

That is why it is necessary for individual shoes to be in their individual cases.
And yet exist a possibility of them coming together to form a whole.
A whole with its parts clearly defined.

I want possibilities. Open ends. Vesatility.
Not a finality.

Of visiting a hair salon:

Some people enjoys facial or going for spa treatments, but I enjoy going to the hair salon and have my hair "done" for 3 hours. It is relaxing sitting in a hair salon on a friday afternoon, sipping tea and reading magazines while someone else gives their full attention on your hair for a couple of hours. It is something else to have an "expert" to wash your hair and massaging your head. For 3 hours or more, i don't have to think about anything important or urgent to do. My only immediate concern was what colours would i like my hair to be highlighted, what cut should i go for.

I must admit my main objective when i stepped into the hair salon on friday was to recreate the previous hairstyle and hair colours that i have had. I have been putting off going to a salon because i was worried that they would not get it exactly the way i want it. Turns out to be a waste of time worrying. I still did not managed to get it across to the stylist that what i want was my old hairstyle back. I wonder if it was because i am not eloquent enough, or that she is feeling slighted because i kept bringing up the fact that the previous hairstyle was done in london.

A telling remark: "different places have different opinions. In spore is different."

Perhaps i should have kept my mouth shut about London and just gave the exact same instruction as when i was in london.
"Striking but not drastic"
Not surprising, everyone's idea of that statement can differ. Perhaps i should explain myself clearer. In whichever case, she created something more "natural". I am still in the midst of accepting it. It is as she said, "more natural", perhaps she assume from the way i dress and looked (conservative) that i did not mean striking striking but rather a wannabe striking.

Of course i did not mean total blond sort of striking. But neither do i want it very "natural". What is the point of colouring your hair and end up looking like you have never gone for it? Perhaps what i should have said is, i want something striking and yet not drastic. Oh wait. I have said that already. Or maybe, striking and yet natural? Fake but not overpowering? Obvious but yet perfect blend of shades?

I can only afford to do this once a year. So you can imagine why i want something that i really really like. That is not to say that i don't like what i have now. It is natural. The colours blended nicely. My only qualm with it is that it is just not "striking" enough. Perhaps my previous hairstylist done too great a job. I am going to forever compare that with the future hairstyles i am going to have. It doesn't seem fair to compare but i don't think i can help it. It is like breaking up with an ex, but still comparing (unconsciously at times) him with your present SO. In any case, i am never going to be able to afford flying back to London once a year just to do my hair (I wish. On top of all the other things that i want to go back to london for).

It certainly sound frivolous, since i did enjoy my time in the hair salon tremendously. But then it is sort of trumatic to finally get something that you love so much, and then find out that you have lost it forever.

Even for something as insignificant as hair colours.

Realization no. 21:

Hair "stylists" are egotistical creatures.

He is quick, thinking in clear images;
I am slow, thinking in broken images.

He becomes dull, trusting to his clear images;
I become sharp, mistrusting my broken images.

Trusting his images, he assumes their relevance;
Mistrusting my images, I question their relevance.

Assuming their relevance, he assumes the fact;
Questioning their relevance, I question the fact.

When the fact fails him, he questions his senses;
When the fact fails me, I approve my senses.

He continues quick and dull in his clear images;
I continue slow and sharp in my broke images.

He in a new confusion of his understanding;
I in a new understanding of my confusion.

- In broken Images, Robert Graves

another reason why i prefer to be a cynic...

Cruelty has a human heart,
And Jealousy a human face;
Terror the human form divine,
And Secrecy the human dress.

The human dress is forged iron,
The human form a fiery forge,
The human face a furnace seal'd,
The human heart its hungry gorge.

- A Divine Image, William Blake

Today feels like sunday.

Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday to YOU!
Happy Birthday to YouuUuu!
Happy Birthday to you!!!!

Cherish your youth. While it last!

My brother sent me an Asterix and Obelix comic from Australia on his birthday. Strange to receive a present from the birthday boy himself but that is why he such a sweet guy in the first place. I should take him shopping once he gets back. He did mentioned that he would like to bankrupt me.

What is happening to the people around me?
What are you people preoccupied with these days?
Are you having a good time? Having a tough time?
Working late? Breaking up? Losing sleep? Feeling lethagic?
Losing self?
Perhaps i should call.
But what will i say?

I wish to know what is happening. I just don't know how.

Things are ever changing. Sometimes it is hard to find one's bearing while the world shifts constantly under one's feet. I always feel that if i am not careful, trying to juggle all that i have and find my balance, i will fall through a gap in the gutter and be forgotten.
But i think i am just paranoid.

My cat miss his doctor's appointment again.
A last moment's reprieve?

Realization no. 20:

If i have to take myself seriously all the time, than everyone else around me would have been miserable.

On my way home:

(Recording thought process)

Tired. Eyes can't seem to open well.
Cant be good. After all i am driving.
Trying to keep awake. What if i get into an accident?
Accident. My schoolmate died in a car accident.
I wonder how does one feel after they die. Where do they go?
I don't want to die now.
Trying to keep awake. Check rear mirror.
Afterlife. Japanese movie.
Trying to remember what happened in the movie.
A girl. A guy. Why didn't the guy want to move on?
Details of the movie. Video tapes.
Girl took over guy.
What memory did some of the characters take with them?
What memory will i take with me?
For eternity.
Quite mind boggling.
Better keep awake. My eyes are tired.
How long longer till i get home?
Singing to Zhang Yu Sheng's Da hai on the CD.

(End recording of thoughts process)

On Womad 2001:

Only one act stood out for the two days that i was there.
Sierra Maestra. The band from Cuba.
The rest were forgettable.

This is my first time attending a Womad festival. I must say it is enjoyable despite the warm nights, the crowd (i, being slightly claustrophobic) and bug bites. It was nice to lie on the mat staring at the sky listening and relaxing to the music. I was contented to just watch people going up front to the stage to dance. Somehow, i think it was nicer to sit back and relax than go forward and sweat it out with the crowd. I will probably consider going again next year. But this time i will bring food. It was way too expensive to buy anything there.

1st of September is Teacher's Day. But already we are celebrating it in school. Parents came to school come bearing gifts for the teachers. And even though i am not a teacher, i received gifts too. It felt nice even though i did not expect it. Some of the parents of the children i see for therapy were very kind and made us feel very apperciated. The gifts were not expensive, just a card or two, some flowers, little knick knacks and lots of food, most of which were cooked by the parents themselves. Everyone was just trying to say "thank you" in his or her own little way.

It is not easy being a teacher in a special school, i have noticed. A lot of care, patience, tolerance is needed. It is not unusual to see a teacher helping change a diaper, wipe up soiled floor, calming a throwing up child, wiping running noses, helping a fussy child to pick up the spoon to eat. More often than not, teachers have to deal with not one, but at least three other children at any one time. Being a therapist is nowhere as tiring as being a teacher. I can see why most parents are so grateful to these dedicated teachers. I am grateful to these teachers too. Because they know their student so well, i often rely on them to be able to work with the child. For example, the teachers could calm down a child who has stranger anxiety and started to tantrum at the sight of an unfamiliar psychologist trying to conduct a formal assessment on them. And it always pays to asked the teachers about the child first before coming to any sort of conclusion why a child is acting up. This is because the teachers are more intimately involved with the child, than a therapist who have only seen the child once or twice, regardless of how knowledgable a therapist can be.

One can never underestimate the extent of closeness a therapist have to work with the teachers when come to helping a child. And thus far, i am really happy when working with the teachers in school. They are generally people who are really concern for their little charges and are very willing to work with anyone to help improve their students' lives. I am very thankful.

So to all my collegues, all i really want to say is Happy Teachers' Day.

sometimes i prefer to think and not do
other times i prefer to do and not think

the rest of the time, i just not think and not do

I once remarked that keeping a kitten, especially a playful one, helps to prepare for the eventuality of having children.
You don't leave your child in a basket outside by the drain just because he broke your cd player or pull down the curtains.

Despite all the scratches, bites, damaged furniture, half eaten flowers, torn toilet roll, messy litter,
it is comforting to have a ball of fur to snuggle up to
when it lets me that is.

Life in itself is a Question.
So why are we so intent in looking for an Answer.

A children's nursery rhyme I found:

Hickory Dickory Dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one

And the other two got away
with minor injuries.

So much for nursery rhymes.

Realization no. 19:

It is actually possible to act perfectly normal and end up believing in it.

Of planning an item for one's company dinner:

Too many ideas
Too little time

Finally settled for an idea which requires
no practices
no elaborate costumes changes
no lines to remember
no cues to remember
no placing to remember and yet

includes
songs
dances
poetry
drama
tragedy
thriller
humour and
suspense

It could either be a player's dream or an audience's nightmare.

My cat just had a shower.
He gave up screaming after the 4th time.

Of people watching:

I noticed that i have been paying alot of attention on people's faces outside these days. I mean really looking. Not your sitting by the coffee shop and people watch kind of looking. That kind of looking has a certain voyeuristic characteristic to it as you try to do it so that people would not noticed that you are looking. When i looked these days, i got some inquiring, some nasty, some curious looks in return. It is interesting as i have been looking as though i am trying to find a familiar face. Someone i might know or might have known. Sometimes, they looked back wondering the same about me. It further confuse people if i happened to smile. I am not sure what exactly i am looking at or looking for.

Perhaps i am just tired of looking at the ground, looking at the inanimate, looking pass and looking through at people. Even for a split second when you walked passed another, would you remember, in the next 10 seconds, how the other looked like? I am trying to remember. A 10 second photo memory.

People are a myriad of interesting details if you care to look.
A tiny nose ring.
Shaved eyebrows.
A mishapen nose.
A collection of pimples.
Purple spectacle frames.
A sunflower shaped pendent.
A misaligned skirt.

I wonder what do others see when they walked pass me.

Realization no. 18:

Sometimes it is difficult to remember what was said during an argument.

,.````//.`

My cat typed on my keyboard accidentally.
It was trying to swipe at my fingers.

Of staying awake longer than i should:

Which will keep going before dropping dead first? Your body or your mind?
At certain times of the day, my body. Especially when i was driving. I wanted to throw up. It was tedious opening my eyes.
At other times of the day, my mind. Especially after my therapy sessions. I couldn't concentrate. It was difficult to remember.
And there were also times, when i felt no effects. I was sane. I was alert. I was floating above others.
I wonder if i was dead.

There is a reason why people must sleep. To recuperate. To recharge. To rest.
To dream.
I think i need to rest, recharge, recuperate and dream more than most.
Perhaps that is why i felt as if i had died when i did not get any sleep for almost 48 hours.
No doubt the experience was interesting, i rather have had my sleep.

I enjoy giving my cat massages.
It is very theraputic.

And i asked again
as i had asked before

If you are to chance upon this and know who i am
will your perception of me change?

Of truth and lies:

How does one know when another is lying or telling the truth? Is it through experience or some say, intuition? Perhaps a little of both? But do you believe that if someone really meant to lie, you will ever have a chance to find out? Some say that the truth will prevail. The Truth. As if there is only one. Regardless of what precautions a liar might make, all will come out of the wash eventually.
Do you believe in that?

What would you do if someone lie to you?
What would you do if you lie to someone?

Does it matter? Some say that lies are just a reflection of the truth, be it skewed or distorted. No one will tell a lie that has no element of truth in it as a lie with no truth would be the first to be found out. It is like a cocktail mixture. 2 parts truth and 1 part lies would make it much easier to go down.
You wouldn't even notice it going down.
And if you don't notice it, does it really matter?

You may know me from reading what i have written.
Yet you may never find me between these lines.

Realization no. 17:

I could not remember what i dreamt about last night.

My cat is running a slight fever after the vaccination.
I was wondering if that's why he is more placid.

Dreamt of changing into a dolphin once.
It was wonderful looking at the world from another perspective.
Try as i might, i could never go back to the same dreamscape again.
All that are left are vivid memories half submerged in my subconsiousness.

Of public speaking:

I used to be scared to speak in public, even though i longed to be able to do so. That is why i love to get involved with drama productions when i was in school. I have a choice of working backstage and at times, on stage. Being on stage during a theaterical productions makes it easier to "speak" to a crowd, because you are acting, a different persona from yourself and things which you say are more or less structured and fixed (unless of course if you had forgotten or messed up your lines).

What i really want to is to address an audience as myself. To speak with clarity and confidence on a subject of my choice. The few chances i had so far, i found myself having to immerse myself in a seperate persona, almost like play acting, in order to stop my voice from breaking and stop my stomach from churning. No one would believe me when i said that i suffer from the fear of public speaking. For now, my method is adequate in preparing me to meet others expectations but not my own.

Realization no. 16:

Everything automatically aligns to the left.

my cat's tail is
curved with a
turf of
fur

My cat is about to be neutered.
I wonder how he will feel if he knew.

Of weighty issues:

How many of us at one time or the other feel that we are not at our desired weight? More often than not, there is a need to lost some than gain some. Many may set a target to be achieved. And yet, how many, once reached that target felt that there is more room for improvements? A little more tone? A little less around the tummy? A little more around the bust area? Less cellulites and stretch marks?

Personally i alternate between being bothered about losing weight and yearning to believe that you should be comfortable the way you are. And usually there is the specific target group where i will alternate between these two extremes. I would complain, gossip, aspired to girl friends for the need to lose weight, and display other such insecurities about my body and its many imperfections. But on the other hand, this is not something i am comfortable voicing to a significant other. To verbalize such compliants and hopes would indicate an acknowledgment of one's bodily imperfections and draw attention to the fact that "I am FAT" to him or her. It all gets very politically correct (PC) from this point on. I don't want to open the floodgates where my SO will too feel that i need to lose some weight. On the contrary, I hopethat he or she will accept me as i am, extra pounds or not. Hence, while it is okie that i feel that i need to lose some weight, it is not okie for the SO to know that i feel that i need to lose some weight. Which is why, there is the need to put forth the view that i am comfortable with what i am (paraphrased: please be comfortable with what i am NOW too).

It seems terribly unnecessary to go through all these mental hassles after all, it is really something that stems from my personal insecurities about my body mass. I don't think it is unreasonable to feel that only i have the right to criticize my own body. Perhaps what it really comes down to, is that i had really secretly yearn that while i hope that people can accept me as i am and feel comfortable about how heavy i am, i too can feel that way and be totally free from ever feeling that i need to lose weight.

A projection of an ideal for others, when it is really for myself.

Realization no. 15:

I have just ran out of time.

My cat likes to keep his claws long.
I like to keep my nails short.

An ode to sushi:

round. round.
little plate, kikkomann.
stop. open.
chopsticks flick flick.
poised.

where? where?
ah. wasabi.
dip. dab.
tips stir stir.
taste.

sniff sniff.
all cleared.
open. pour.
bag swirl swirl
glurp.

this! that!
futomaki, sake sushi, california roll.
tuna salad, charamushi, soft shell crab.
wait. glurp. dip. dab.
SNIFF.
ah.
sake sushi, charamushi, katsu don
teriyaki, teppanyaki, tempura.
sniff. dab. glurp
burp.

round and round.
many colours. high.
moan. groan.
tummy pat pat.
sigh.
sniff.
glurp.
ahh...

smile.

If i am not addicted to taking the next breath to go on living
I would attempt to go cold turkey and just stop breathing.
But i would not.
As i am curious enough to see how high breathing can bring me.

I like to write in quartets.
It is a nice even number
that helps to balance out my structure,
and is adequate to say all that is needed.

One more line for empharsis or counterpoint.

There are times when i miss my friends.
Having them around to just chit chat with.
I think i don't see them enough these days.
Why is that?

Bad as i am, i couldn't resist one for the cat:

I have a cat named ruski,
who can be quite scary.
He pounces and he bites.
He will chew whatever he likes.
No wonder he has such a big tummy.

Realization no. 14:

I can't write limericks to save my life.

My early attempt at writing limericks:

I have a dog named sambar,
Whose fur is black like tar.
He loves to sleep.
A bone is all he keep.
I don't know why, but it all sounds quite "salah".

If you ever feel that i write bad poetry,
please don't let me have a clue.
For i am easily misled into thinking,
that you're just another feeble-minded fool.

Realization no. 13:

I need to call my parents tomorrow.

My cat have sharp claws.
My limbs bear testimony to its powress.

Of eating sushi:

I have a craving for sushi that can only be described as unnatural. I have a need to eat raw salmon once every week, at the very least. Come weekend, when asked, "so what do you want to eat", i will invariably reply "sushi". Unless of course if the person who is asking is 1) not a raw fish fan 2) a person i don't know very well 3) my mother 4) all of the above.

I used to hate sushi. Maybe hate is too strong a word. More like "unwilling to try new things". I had long decided that i did not like seaweed. That was back in primary school where they used to sell package of thin seaweed for 20cents a pack. It had a strong alkaline taste that reminded me of soap, and when it melts in your mouth, reminded me of sea slime. At that time i had no idea what sushi was. Till i was in secondary school, i had always though rolling rice in seaweed constitute sushi and eating sashimi is the equivalent of eating sweet sour pork without the benefit of cooking the pork first. The idea was not appealling, hence i was adament in refusing to try any of the "raw stuff".

Then came a period of time when i felt game to try anything "just once". My friend started me with the cooked stuff like tempura, the katsudons, the chewanmushi. And then moved to the "semi" cooked stuff like pickled jellyfish, salmon mixed with mayo and avocado sushi, before having my first piece of raw sake sashimi. I guess i never looked back from then on and have been trying it "just once" every month (at least) ever since.

I think the next time i feel adventurous i will attempt to try some fried insects or grubs. Thing is, where do i find them here?

When i said "i think i am addicted"

It wasn't to blog per se.
But to living and to life and all that it entails.

My world ceased to be silent
from the day i become aware
aware of life
an addiction to life

I ceased to crave for silence

A cracked pane.
A crack pain.

Realization no. 12:

I remembered more when i tried not to.

One reason why i tried not to register this trip:

It was a "mock" holiday which i didn't want to remind me of the real holidays that i had had.

While driving through Malaysia, I was reminded of driving through England on its expressway.
I wondered if all expressway looked the same.
I started seeing expressways from all the places i have been to.
It was an uncomfortable feeling.
One which reminded me what i had missed.

I think my cat missed me.
He tore up my room.

Of driving, travelling and holidays:

I once had a habit of writing about my trips. I would try to remember the details of my trip: what did i do? where did i go? what was the name of the place? funny anedotes? But this time i was consciously trying not to register any of these. Even though it was the National Day weekend, it did not feel like much of a holiday.

It was a family affair. Cousins, aunts, nephews, nieces, maid all packed into two cars along the trip to Serembem and KL. I was the designated driver (obligatory since i had the car). The trip there was uneventful and i thought about my friends in Singapore. We reached our destination on time.
Most memorable sight: road block
No of accident witness: 0
Amount of time to get there: 5 hours (inclusive of traffic jam at woodlands checkpoint)

We stayed with my aunt. It was the first time i have been to her house after a long while. Finally as a tourist and not a rehab detainee. She knows what i liked to eat and the best thing about this trip is revisiting all my favourite food. The kids were over the moon as they have never been on a road trip and infected us with their excitement. I have never seen them so talkative. We spent quite alot of time watching cable tv.

I vaguely remembered going to a tourist beach that had passed its expiry date: yellow sands with empty food stalls. We packed a picnic and gotten lost thrice before finding the place. It used to be THE place for family outings back in the early 80s. I remembered going there when i was 6. It looked different now.

There was also an outing to a nearby hill where there was a mountain stream and a waterfall. The kids paddled and the adults watched. We did not see the waterfall as it was a 3 hours climb up. The toilet was surprisingly clean. I don't remember the name of the place but there was a pile of rubbish near the sign.

We did not drive into KL during the day as planned. I refused to drive there after all the horror stories i have heard: traffic jams, messy roads, maniac drivers being the least frightening ones. We did however managed to go into KL one of the night in my cousins' car. We went to the night market. It wasn't very exciting perhaps because i did not want to shop for 1) fake watches 2) handphone accessories 3) t-shirts 4)sunglasses. We stayed for 2 hours and got lost on the way back. It was not as dreary as it sounded, actually it was rather exciting. I wouldnt drive into KL but i don't mind someone driving me there.
Most memorable sight : a headless cat on the road still kicking its leg after being crushed by a bus.
No of accidents witnessed: 3
Amount of time took to get there: 1 hour
Amount of time took to get back: 2 hours

The macdonald in Serembem opens at 10am and does not serve breakfast.

The last night we had steamboat at a uncle's. It was his birthday. We bought a pandan layered cake as present.

Petrol was RM1.16 per litre as compared to S$1.33 per litre in Singapore. I wish i could bring home a few barrels.

I enjoyed over-taking singaporean cars along the expressway on the way back.
"The epitome of kiasu-ism is to start queueing before you even get there."
It worked. There wasnt a traffic jam at the Tuas checkpoint.
Though i cant be sure that was where those cars were heading in the first place.
Most memorable sight: My cousins' sideview mirror flying off and cartwheeling on the expressway.
No of accidents witness: 0
Amount of time took to get home: 4 hours.

Home-coming is always nice.

Realization no. 11:

Never assume.

I will be gone for 3 and 1/2 days.
Will my cat miss me?

Of the order of reading one's comic strips:

While typing the previous blog, it dawned on me that i am very rigid when reading my comic strip everyday in the Life Section.

Method:
I start on the left top column and move downwards. Skimming most of the way but might pay some attention to "cathy" and "dudley". Once i reach the bottom of the left column, i move to the adjacent bottom right column to "baby blues" and move my way up. Going pass "foxtrot" and "james" before taking my time with "get fuzzy". I tend to leave the one i like most for the last. No matter how much of a hurry i am in, i will proceed with the same order. Except i will rapidly skim through all the rest, while carefully avoiding looking at "get fuzzy", because i don't want to have any hint of the joke.

Likewise for the Sunday Times comic strips. I will proceed on a Left top to bottom then Right top to bottom order, carefully leaving out "sherman"on the first page and "get fuzzy" on the second. I will go back to them once i finish all others, starting with "sherman" and ending with "get fuzzy".

This routine is only subjected to change when there is a change in comic strips, rendering it necessary for me to once again evaluate, which strips i like most. And finally, proceeding with the necessary change in the order of reading of comic strips.

Realization no. 10:

It cost alot to change to a new laptop.

I have just noticed that there is something a little wrong (not a lot but a little) with my laptop screen. I have not noticed that before. Yet i can't be sure that it wasn't there yesterday. It seems new to me though, yet it could be that my mind was occupied with more important things last night while i was using the laptop, that i fail to notice something, for some reason now, intrudes into my peripheral vision. I can't quite help not looking at it while i am typing. It is like a itch you cannot relieve because it only exist in your mind, or in your inner left eyelid. I am now wondering what had happened to my laptop while i was away at work. A reason for my screen to have a thin green line (not red) running down the left hand side (measuring 2 1/2 inches) all of a sudden.

I noticed that there is a streak of fastidiousness within me these days. Perhaps it was something innate but i have only noticed it gaining prominance once i started working. There is a need to be in control, for things to be in comprehensible, explanable order. That in itself is rather disturbing since i have always pride myself as being adaptable and flexible. On further reflection, i think i am both flexible and inflexible to some degrees depending on the situation.

What to eat forBreakfast/lunch/dinner: flexible
The order of food eaten on my plate: inflexible
How i want my therapy room to be arranged: flexible
Where to keep my working materials: inflexible
Where to go with friends: flexible
What movies to watch: flexible
The order of comic strips i read on the Life Section: inflexible
How i write: flexible
Views on how i write: inflexible
When to meet: flexible
When to be met: flexible
Morals: flexible inflexible

I can be extremely rigid on how i want certain things accomplished. I often say that my mind is on a perpetual mode for looking at short-cuts, the "best" way for doing something. Why spend more time doing something which can be done for less time? And trusting that the method i am already set on is the most efficent one, why should i attempt to do it another way? But only for things that i feel strongly about. Similarly i may also have very strong or set opinions on subjects which i care about. It could range from how i read my comics to religion. Fortunately for friends and family, I don't feel strongly for things that very often. So i can rightly say i don't care what movies to watch, what to have for dinner, anyone else can make the decision. It gives the appearance that i am rather easy going, which generally, i am of course.

Back to the thin green line. It irritates me. It irritates not for the fact that it is there. It irritates me because i cannot explain how it got there. If it was anything involving me and my property which i cannot explain, i have a tendency to break out in a bout of irritation. Of course, how badly hit i am is directly proportional to how attached i am to the object. So this part of my rigidity and fastidiousness is not often seen (except close friends and family).

A thin green line runs
from the top
down.

Time to change?

Realization no. 9:

I am not ready for a holiday.

Cat sleeping next to my laptop.
For once, my feet is free.

Ahh marriage.. lovely subject matter to talk about. Once you enter a certain age bracket, the question about marriage inevitably comes up. From family, from friends and sometimes even from aquaintances. It seemed like a whole new world of topic has just opened up. People whom you have not seen for a while would ask if you are married when all they used to ask were if you were attached.

Big difference. Marriage and Attached. Two singular concepts which are similar but really a world or two apart. I have always felt that one has to be either, reached a certain maturity level to discuss marriage or could be, very simply put, rather naive. Sometimes just the fact that you are getting older means it is almost a prerequist to discuss marriage in order for a relationship to continue. There are many rational logic behind this: time and money management being the first and foremost concern for some.

Think of the time you need to queue for a flat from the HDB which is invariably linked to being only able to affort the new flats and not some other more expensive options. For example, freehold, condos, open market, all of which will bypass the need to wait for 3 to 5 years for a new flat.Think too about the money needed for the preparation for the wedding itself; the dinner, the honeymoon, the renovations, the rings, the photographs, the wedding dresses and tuxedo. And think also about the time needed to plan such an event, the time needed to register for ROM at the date you would like, the hall for the wedding dinner, the wedding guests, where to for honeymoon, what kind of wedding etc etc etc.

The logistics involved are staggering. And that is only the event itself. What about post event? When do you want to get marry has great influence on some women. Is she going to pass the optimal child-bearing age? The possible effects of a late pregnancy? And if you have children late, that would also mean you could work right up to retiring age and still be supporting your children.

I can go on and on. But what is the most important in this whole deal of marriage and the possible baggage which it entails? What about the "love till death to us part" bit of it? I have no doubt that love is part of marriage and the decision to get married. But how is it possible in this day and age to make love the all deciding factor when there are so many things else to consider. It could be a case of "the spirit is willing, but the wallet is weak". How many has succumbed to hurrying such a momentuous decision because of all the extraneous variables involved? Ever wondered if that could have an impact on our divorce rate as well?

It is therefore interesting when I have noticed that i too have stepped into that precarious age bracket, with looming decisions sitting by my door, and looking at how i can potentially cope with it. I must say sometimes these fears are rather gripping. It doesn't help to have heralds blowing the wedding march on silver trumpets everytime you turn around to attend another friend's wedding. It is both pressurizing and potential for pressure induction on your significant other. I have to admit that i too lose my grip on "reality" (or perhaps the ideal: love being the ideal reason for marriage) at times. But most people in this day and age who has his/her mind to want marriage on their future agenda will have to grapple with these issues in various degrees. I guess i am no exception either.

Too many things happening at one time.
Think I will just run through them one by one in no more than one/two line.
After all, efficiency and time management are the key issues these days where i work.

Movie: Funny but not fantastic and book was better.

Sushi dinner: Salmon is not fresh but liked the charamushi.

Company: Sandwiched but lopsided interaction.

Chinese dating angmoh: Should do what you deem best for yourself, except such a life is not for me.

Better to have something than nothing:
In the context of having someone to be with when you are lonely, i can only say i will try to be my best company first and forthmost, if all else fail, it is worth considering as loneliness can be crippling.

Chocolate attack: Trying to cut down but sometimes temptation is just too over-powering.

Searching for the elusive mandarin lyrics.
Damn it.
Running out of time.

My cat makes little sounds while he slept.
It is the kind of sounds that makes you go "aww.."

Is this a journal?
I would say it is more an avenue for me to speak my mind.
To a potential or make-believe public no less.

Surely i am allowed to make the choice of neither hiding my thoughts from others nor publicizing it to everyone?

"Things are not always in black and white. Sometimes they come in shades of grey"

Thinking of re-reading Bridget Jones' Diary.

I have a habit of re-reading. Everything that i like. Once, twice, thrice. More often than not, the books that i would have kept on shelves would have pass the thrice-reading mark. It makes perfect logical sense, if i don't like the book, i wouldnt even bother to finish the book, much less re-reading it. And the converse is true for books that i like.

Some asked me if i wouldn't be bored or sick of re-reading my books. Don't recall ever feeling so. After you accumulate a collection of such re-readings, you can always circulate them. To keep them fresh.

I enjoy re-reading. I could be a sucker for predictability. After all, i am the sort to enjoy spoilers and synosis of shows which i have not watched. Where then is the element of surprise? Oh, but i enjoy surprises too. Just that while i can enjoy the surprise of something unfamiliar seen for the first time, i also enjoy the predictability of something familiar. It is comfortable, like meeting an old friend.

Sometimes re-reading old books help you uncover new things as well. A detail which escaped you in the first reading. An idea which became more apparent after the third time you have read it. Connections which only existed after you re-read it for the umpteen time. I enjoy making new discoveries on well-throdden terrains. It requires more intimate knowledge of the book and is much more satisfying than making a brand new discovery.

Think that i will go re-read Bridget Jones' Diary after all.

Realization no. 8:

I didn't get any withdrawal symptons this time.

My cat is getting comfortable on my lap,
while my feet is getting uncomfortable.

Who says you have to be singaporean to enjoy singapore national day songs?

My personal favourite national day songs:

1) The singapore town (love it before they revamped it this year)
2) Five stars arising
3) We are Singapore

I heard a good question on the television today. It was on a trailer for a current event show, solicitating views from the public. The question was, to paraphrase, why do the government spend so much to commission new national day songs/spiffy mtvs each national day? Does doing so help singaporeans feel more "singaporean" and aid in building nationalism?

Interesting thought, especially while i was in the midst of copying out big copies of national day songs lyrics for my school national day celebrations. I think this nationalistic trend of singing national day songs such as "count on me singapore", "stand up for singapore" started back in the early 80s, when nation building was of paramount importance, in order to gel the increasingly detached population. I wonder if it worked. Or has it been made to become a habit, an expectation that we will have a new song each year henceforth?

My cat enjoys going over to my neighbour's
I don't think the feeling is mutual.

More and more each day, i prefer to live in another world than here.
Especially now.

Why should your form of self-expression be art
while mine is just a whine?

Why do i have to justify why i write, how i write, how i present, how i should aspire what my writings to be to you or anyone else who read this page?

Why should what i write be kept under the drawer so that it will bear the proud label of being a piece of good writing?
Why should i stop these personal writings in public in order for it to stop being labelled as whining?
Why should i actively seek out an audience so as to justify my writings as a bona fide piece of writing as oppose to just a whine?
Who decide how one should express him/herself?
Who is to say you are more or less of a whiner than me? Just because i don't actively seek out people to critic my writings?
Who is to say that i am whining just because i write in public?

They have no right. And you have no right.
I decide what i want to write.
I decide how i want to write.
I decide how i want to present my writings.
That's my right to self-expression.
And you have no right to belittle it.They have no right.

Realization no. 7:

I whine?

"thinking aloud equates to whining"

So i guess the children that Vygotsky talked about are all whiners.

National day is coming. And i am incharge of the program for the kids as well as being the emcee.
I think i will probably screw it up. Added pressure from previous well-executed programs too.
Tonight i was going to copy out the lyrics to those national day songs onto big mahjong paper, but decided that i was too tired.
Tomorrow would still be alright.

I remarked, "asking a malaysian to be incharge of singapore's national day, what irony."
My brother added, "take chance to sabotage it and stop the spread of propaganda."

Sometimes i think my brother and i are pretty alike.
No wonder we are both my mother's children.

Driving on the road today, i noticed that i am thinking about blog. Or more correctly, i was thinking blog.
That's disturbing.

I read somewhere before on my horoscope that pisces has weak will-power and are subceptible to addiction. Perhaps that is true. Or at least i believe so. Hence that's one of the reason I delibrately refuse to start smoking. Because i don't want to have an opportunity to abuse it (strangely, i did not adhere to such rules for alcohol, but that is another story).

So now, am i addicted to blog? like i was addicted to irc? icq? sleeping? daydreaming? bbsing? reading forum pages? coffee?
What is addiction? To be abusing some substance/thing in great quantities? To be dependent on it? If i were to loosen the criteria for being an addict, for example, i know of some drug addicts who live perfectly functional lives, then won't that make us all an addict of some substance at some point in time, in various degrees of addiction?

hongkong series, japanese dramas, various cartoons, armani, dkny, macpepper burgers, kfc, sms-ing, clubbing, sci fi movies, books, earl grey tea, particular music genre, watermelons, green tea, sushi, sashimi, flowers, pet dogs, pet cats, pet fishes, old photographs, old watches, stamps, old records, soft toys, hello kitties, freebies, airplane food, female magazines, 8 days, 93.3fm, class95fm, old songs, blue, pink, yellow, dancing, singing, ktv, laughing, melodrama, complaining, a 6 pack, ice wine, sunsets by the beach, wind in the hair, night time, day time, floral scents, spicy scents, curry, rainy days, success, money, channel surfing, web surfing, emailing, bbsing, icqing, ircing, collecting mp3s, making innate telephone calls to pizza huts
calling 1711
looking at my cat sleep
burrowing under my duvet
dreaming
working
smiling
worrying
thinking
living
life

I think i am addicted.

Realization no. 6:

I never mentioned my cat's name.
It seemed irrelevant since it doesn't know its name
and at the bottom line, it is a cat. And it is mine.

My cat likes to chew on my fake flowers.
I moved the bouquet to my mom's room.

Today i had a new ET child. ET as in educational therapy, not extra-terrestrial. He is to replace my other ET child (whom i endearingly called my little spitter, for obvious reasons) on my friday mornings. Both are diagnosed with ASD, i.e. Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

My new kid is probably easier to work with after my previous one who had alot of problem behaviours that can be dangerous to himself and others (e.g. throwing a chair). Somedays my hair would stand because i put on my "alert" mode for all possible behaviours that he could exhibit, spitting being the least dangerous. Actually i was making some progress with him when the mother decided to take him out of school because she doesn't have time to bring him for the weekly half hour session. It wasn't easy trying to be understanding to his mother because i felt her priorities were, how should i say, "skewed". It seemed frivolous to take a child out of the only available therapy he is receiving and which he badly needed because she would not ask for half hour time off on fridays from working part time at her sister's. And this was just as he was getting settled down and improvement, however minute, was made after a long tedious process.

To be honest, i know i lack in empathy towards certain adults, which made my difficulty with working with parents much more apparent. My first and foremost responsibility and priority would always to be for the child. I can and will sympathize with parents who have problems. In fact i would do anything within my ability if a parent was to have genuine need for help. This is because we need parents to be well to help the child and family. But how do one explain that there are parents who would not put their child first (more so if the child has been adopted). I find myself unable to condone or even remain objective when i meet such parents. Needless to say, i have become more emotionally involved than i am suppose to. But it is difficult not to be emotionally involved at all for me, i really can't help it.

Back to my new kid, on the contrary, i doubt i will have much problem working with the child because in terms of behaviour, he is definitely more managable. However, i foresee that i will probably have some teething problems with his parents. Compared with my last parent, they are actually very "on the ball" regarding their child. He is already on many other therapies outside of school and has a fully set-up structure at home for him. In fact, my pressure does not come from an inactive parent, but over protective ones. One that doubt my ability to perform, doubt the school's program, doubt that the child could benefit any more on top all the other therapies he goes to. I felt that there was a high expectation for me to conform to do what they think it is best for their child because they are so "knowledgable". But as i said, it could be teething problems. I have no doubt that i have something to teach or help this child in, and i would need to let the parents see that. However, if they want to take him out of school because my services are not "value added", i would not feel any qualms about it because i know this child would receive all the help he needs from these parents. If he does not take the slot, other child with more needs will.

Two children, both autistic and two different families, two different attitudes. Sometimes i wonder how will i ever learn to cope with all these differences. It is challenging and my own prejudices and being opiniated could get in the way. I guess i have never been the accepting sort. I admit i need more patience with some parents, my only problem is how i can do that.

Life is unfair, especially to a disabled child. I know i will never be able to "right the wrongs" for them which is why it is so hard when parents get in the way as well. It is both sad and exasperating.

So i asked myself: "what can i do?"...